A few days ago, Caleb and I were having one of our moments. We were hanging out on the changing table (something that he really enjoys to do). He was staring out the window. I was gazing at him. And I probably even kissed him a few times.
I kept looking at him. Eventually his gaze caught mine, and we were looking at each other. He was making some of the insanely cute cooing sounds he’s recently been fond of doing…and the thought crossed my mind: “How in the world did we get so lucky? How in the world were we blessed with such a beautiful and amazing little baby boy…? What did we do to ever deserve this precious baby?”
And that’s when it hit me. The only reason Caleb is with us right now, the only reason we get to call this beautiful and amazing little baby our son…is because Micah and Judah died.
Had we been spared the agony and anguish of having two sons die just shy of 20 weeks…had we not had to go through losing our twin boys…we’d have two beautiful baby boys, but we never would have been able to meet Caleb. We would never know this amazing son of ours, this son whom we would give anything for now…
It can get you pretty messed up when you start thinking about it like that. Totally messes with your mind.
Falling in love with Caleb doesn’t mean that I love Micah and Judah any less…they will always be my first boys, my twin boys. But falling in love with Caleb means that I realize that he is only here because of the death of his brothers…
And I don’t even want to get into the theology of that…did God cause Micah and Judah to die, so that we could experience the love and beauty of Caleb? Was God just oblivious to our plight? Was God helpless and not able to “step in” and save Micah and Judah? I’m just not going there..that could just mess with my head pretty bad.
And so…there it is. We sit with that reality. The reality of the loss of Micah & Judah. The reality of the amazing gift of Caleb. The paradox of loss and love. Of grief making room for joy; both forever with us.