I received a text this morning from someone I went to seminary with. We were acquaintances at the time. But October 25, 2010 bound us together. Her father died in a tragic car accident that day. And Micah and Judah were born and died on the day as well.
It’s hard to believe it’s been 3 years. 3 years ago, almost exactly to the hour, we had the nurses come in and told them it was okay for them to take Micah and Judah away…I had seen them both be born, we had held them, felt their too-tiny bodies fighting for breath, kissed their heads, talked to them, prayed over them, had them baptized by a good friend and pastor…we spent our time with our twin boys.
And then we said they could be taken away…
They’re still with us…in the tiny two wooden urns that we still keep in their memory box. A box that we will look through tomorrow. This is what we do now. We remember.
And yes, we’ll cry. It’s impossible to look through that box and hold up the tiny onesie we bought in Hawaii, or look at the little matching baby rattles we got, or read through the touching cards that we received, without doing so.
We remember the joys of that first pregnancy, the fears of trying to imagine how in the hell we’d raise twins(!), the memories of those who cared for us in our grief, our anger at God, and so much more.
As Caleb gets older, we’ll have to start talking about when it’s appropriate to tell him about Micah and Judah. I want him to know that he has two older brothers. That his brothers were strong, and courageous, and fought for their lives…and that his parents loved them very much. I’m sure it will be confusing, or frustrating for him at some point, but I want us to be able to talk about Micah and Judah with him, for them to continue to be a part of our lives and our stories.
Grief is a crazy thing…a frustrating thing…and a journey more than anything else. And we continue on this journey together, as a family; a family that celebrates the beautiful life and joyous laughter that Caleb has brought to us. And I’m always reminded, especially on October 25, that Caleb wouldn’t be with us if Micah and Judah hadn’t died. I can’t imagine a life without Caleb…and I’ll never forget the moments that we were able to share with Micah and Judah.