I love this photo that Sarah took (along with some others you can see here) – especially the expression on Caleb’s face. I’m not quite sure he knows what to make of me. That’s true when I look at him sometimes, as well. I’m not really sure what to make of him. Just last week before I went off to work, I changed his diaper, dressed him for the day and put him down on his play mat for a few minutes and just stared at him: “Is this my son? Really? What in the world?!”
I know that people tend to talk about dads sometimes having a harder time bonding with their baby in the early weeks and months. If your partner is breastfeeding, there is that intimate connection between mother and child, and the father often feels a bit left out during that process – not being able to satisfy the needs of his son as much as mom can.
And then there is just the simple fact that babies are a hell of a lot of work. Sarah knows this more than I do, because she’s home with him for during the whole week, and so by the time I get home, she’s ready to hand him off to me. Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy, and stressed about work and getting used to a new job…that I’m not usually as excited as I should be to finally get in some good father/son time…which isn’t helpful to Sarah who really needs a break, and isn’t helpful to my own desire of having a close, intimate relationship with my son.
So I’d love to hear from other dads out there; what kinds of things were you able to do to help create a deeper connection between your infant and you during those first few weeks and months? For those of you who were dads a long time ago – what do you look back on as your fond memories with your baby?
Zach says
My experience with my 2 kids has been very much like yours – for those first several months, I found it really hard to have the true “bonding” experience that I would experience after about 6 months. I really do think it has to do with not being needed by your baby in the same way that the baby’s mother is. This is surely a natural result of the fact that my wife breast-fed both babies – if I was equally “needed” for food and sustenance, perhaps the bond would be different.
However, there’s a point where the switch flips, and all of a sudden, my kids recognized me and wanted interaction. For my kids, it was at about 6 months. After that point, it all just seemed to click, and my efforts were no longer seemingly in vain.
Until that point, my job as a dad was just to be there as much as I could, put in as much face time with the kids as I could, and give my wife as much of a break as I could. Hang in there, cause once you get past this point, it gets better and better.
All this said, reading to your son is a great way to make you feel like you are making a positive contribution and it’s something that you can really start to see them responding to. I think the point at which they start being able to interact more deliberately with things is when they start to see you less as a fuzzy blob next to mommy and more of a daddy.
Adam says
Thanks Zach – appreciate hearing from another dad.
Colin Carmichael says
The chest nap. It seems odd, I guess, that my most treasured moments with my infant children were when we were sleeping. I believe that in much the same way that the physical intimacy of breastfeeding can strengthen the bond between mother and child, the intimacy and security of a nap with Dad can do the same. I spent countless afternoons during my parental leaves on the couch with an infant asleep on my chest. I miss that now that the youngest two are approaching 3 years of age…
Adam says
Colin – yah I’ve had a few of those too. He has to be really zonked out to stay in that position too long but it is such a sweet way of sharing a special moment with your baby. Thanks for sharing!
Kevin says
I hear you on this. For us, Nolan was quite a bear in the first several months, so I never really thought about getting a deeper connection with him because we were just handing him back and forth out of necessity when one of us would need a break for much needed rest. As I reflect on it, I feel like the connection just developed over time, and while you may not think you are connecting as deeply as you want to be, there is no doubt that just spending time with him develops that connection for him. Chest naps, singing songs, reading or telling stories to him all create something that no one can take away. Those moments are where those bonds are made. I know that I’ll never be my kids favorite, he tells me all the time that mommy is his favorite, but ultimately i know i’m second best, and I’ll take that any day. Just stick with what you are doing. Spend that time. I guarantee when he is more responsive and can express himself in more understandable ways you will realize that all your hard work paid off and you will develop that connection you think you should be experiencing now. If that makes sense.
Jonathan Stegall says
For me, when Leila was born (she is 8 months now) I found it helpful to find things that she liked, especially if I liked them too. So when she would be screaming inconsolably for whatever reason, I found a CD where a thrash metal drummer plays his own drums behind classical music, and for whatever reason she loved it. Same with reading “The Bath Song” from Lord of the Rings – she’d come out of the bathtub and be all cold and upset, so I’d read it to her.
Being able to share Tolkien and really technical music with her – regardless of whether she ends up liking either of those things later – was geeky fun and meaningful, for me. It made me feel good, because they were things we both loved, and I had figured them out myself rather than my wife having to tell me (and she has to tell me a lot of things).
People already mentioned reading stories, chest naps, etc. and they are good things, but to me it meant something different to discover something that we both liked.
Sara Hill says
Lylah is only 29 days older than Caleb, so we’re newbies, too… But Austin gives Lylah a bath most nights (about 5 of 7). It’s their special bonding time. Caleb is beautiful!